SEXUALITY QUESTIONS

WHAT IS AN ORGASM?

Orgasm is literally a muscle spasm, caused by stimulation to the genitals. It is likened to a building of intensity that has to be released, much like a sneeze that builds up and then releases.

In regards to women there are distinct stages of an orgasm:

1. Excitement: The genitals become engorged with blood, the inner lips of the vulva and clitoris swell and become darker in color.
   
2. Swelling: Nipples begin to erect, breasts will swell and veins in them become visible. The skin on the body becomes slightly flushed, which is why it is called the “sex flush.” It is a faint blush similar to a blotch rash on the stomach, chest and neck. This flush disappears at orgasm.
   
3. Peak: A build up of tension explodes and then diminishes. This is the most vulnerable time emotionally for a woman. While a man hits this peak stage of release and is spent physically, a woman can stay at this stage and ride a wave of orgasms, with different intensities. 

There are two primary areas of the body where orgasm can be experienced—the clitoris and the G-spot.

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WHAT IS THE CLITORIS?

The clitoris is an outer gland that produces most of the orgasms that are felt. It rests at the top a woman’s genitals and is tucked discreetly under a fold of skin.  

The clitoral shaft is about three-fourths of an inch on the outside of the body, but extends anywhere from four to seven inches up into the body. There is a hood that covers the clitoris. The hood is connected to the inner labia. The clitoris is likened to a small pea in size. When stimulated it becomes erect like a miniature penis, but it does not have the same rate of stimulus that a penis does. It is more slowly brought to arousal and needs a gentle stimulation with the pressure on the hood of the clitoris more than direct stimulation to the clitoris.

This part of our bodies was fashioned by the hand of God. It holds no other physical function within the body but to produce a deep and intense pleasure.

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WHAT IS A “G-SPOT?”

The term G-spot got its name from a German gynecologist, Ernst Grafenberg, who first described this area within a woman’s body to the medical community.

The G-spot is highly controversial and often argued about as to whether it truly exists—but research has found that there is an area (not just a spot) within a woman’s vagina on the front wall that, when aroused, increases in size and sensitivity. It is more sensitive to deep pressure, than to direct touch. It is approximately two inches from the entrance of a woman’s vagina opening on the anterior wall.

When pressure is applied to the area, a feeling of needing to urinate will happen, as it is right by the bladder. Through stimulation it continues to swell and eventually can lead to orgasm. Some women even report a slight ejaculation that occurs.

We must remember that this is only one of the many erogenous zones on a woman’s body and that while exploration can be enjoyable it should not be treated as the ONLY goal. We are each unique and therefore need to enjoy the process of discovering our own bodies.

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IS ORAL SEX REALLY SEX?

It is amazing how we have the word “sex” in the name and yet we wonder if it is actually sex. It is important to look at the root questions: What is our purpose in trying to seek to redefine this term? And, why are we wanting to clarify the obvious?

Oral sex is defined as the use of the mouth for the purpose of arousing and creating sexual desire. Prior to 1998, there really was not a question as to whether it was a part of what would be defined as sexual contact with another. It was at this time that it came into the media’s attention, was questioned and began to be redefined in order to justify and promote a personal position.

Unfortunately, many young people today take a very casual view of oral sex. Here’s a look at some of their current terminology:

Hooking up: one-night stands for male release

Friends with benefits/FWB: female friends who provide oral sex for guys

Rainbow parties: a gathering where males collect lipstick kisses from girls on their penises

Oral sex is the most vulnerable activity for a man or a woman to be engaged in and is something that can enhance or destroy a relationship. It is a matter that is between a husband and a wife and should be something that both parties are in agreement with, or else should be held and explored in stages until both parties are comfortable.

If sexual desire and pleasurable sensations in the body are rooted and grounded in the Creator, then exploring His creation can be an act of worship—IF it is within the covenant of marriage that He provided.

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WHAT IF THE BIG HINDRANCE TO SEX IS PAIN?

Pain during intercourse has one of two sources—physical or emotional. 

Physically speaking: Talk to your doctor, ask the hard questions and get real answers that are understandable to you. If your doctor is not willing or unable to explore this area with you, choose a different doctor that will.

As we age, we have less elasticity and some of our inner organs can shift. Even after the childbirth process there are often adjustments that need to be made together. Lubricants are a great way to reduce some of the vaginal pain that women experience from dryness. Elevating the pelvis with the use of a pillow so that the angle of entry is altered is a good thing to try as well.

Emotional pain is often masked as physical pain. Our bodies respond to what our brain tells us. If we have experienced trauma in the area of our sexuality either through abuse forced upon us or through the pain of feeling shame around our sexuality, we can actually associate the sexual act with the emotional pain that we experienced. We have what is called a “sexual brake” in the brain that naturally tells the body to stop when blood starts flowing rapidly into the genital area from arousal. If we have lived with turning that brake “on” during sexual activity, we can experience our body literally shutting down, thereby missing the beauty of the sexual relationship as it was intended to be.

This is not a hopeless condition. A woman can learn to intercept the thoughts that cause her to “turn off” and redirect them towards the truth. The sexual brake can literally be retrained which can allow the natural flow of blood to nerve endings to connect and reawaken the senses.

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AS A SINGLE WOMAN, WHAT DOES SEXUALITY HAVE TO DO WITH ME?

In the Christian community there seems to be a wide chasm between “married” and “single” when it comes to women. Yet, we both share the gift of being a woman first, created by the hand of God. We each have a body that was designed by God with intentionality, and part of that design is our sexuality.

As a single woman, it is important to recognize your sexuality as part of how you live and carry that sexuality into your relationships. Sexuality is more than just sexual acts. It is how we think about our bodies, how we respond to those around us and how we interact with the opposite sex.

There is a oneness that comes from partnership with God in embracing and experiencing your sexuality through His design of this physical body.

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IS MASTURBATION A SIN?

What is masturbation really? It is the stroking of genitals for sexual pleasure, usually to orgasm. Where does the desire for sexual pleasure come from? Did God create the body’s design? Is the body’s design something to be enjoyed or suppressed?

The verb “masturbate” is first recorded in 1857. Origin of the word developed in the mid-1700s by a culture that was seeking to hold back the wave of what was seen as a “pagan culture” invading their Puritan community. The biblical passage that they applied to their desire to reign over behavior that they saw damaging their community was Genesis 38: 8-10.

God had provided for the widows of that culture by having the dead husband’s brother marry them and impregnate them if they had no children, so that the child’s inheritance would then provide for the widow. Tamar’s husband dies, Onan (her brother-in-law) was sent to her to get her pregnant, but he realized that if she didn’t get pregnant, his inheritance would be greater, so he “wasted his seed on the ground…” God saw what Onan was doing and how he was treating this woman that he was called to provide for, so He took his life.

But lest we think that God killed a man for masturbating—“…what he did was displeasing in the sight of the Lord”—we need to examine the culture and what the context of the whole passage it about. What did Onan do? He choose to disobey the law that God had provided for that culture. This heart of this passage is not about masturbation it is about greed.

The culture named it as a sin, yet if we look at their desire as a culture it was to gain back the heart; laws cannot govern a heart, laws merely reveal the heart. Dictating to the heart does not bring about a heart change. Telling me that it is a against the law to murder someone is not what keeps me from murdering someone – it is a heart attitude of valuing other human beings and recognizing that we are all made in the image of God.

When we recognize that the body has a sexual design that was intentionally crafted by a loving Creator we have to wrestle with the issue of what to do with this part of the design. Would he create us with sexual desire and then say stuff it away and deny it exists? I just don’t think this is in line with the authenticity of who God is, after all He made the man and the woman and He gave us our sexuality. But He wants to be in partnership with us as we explore and examine this part of our body’s desire.

This also leads to the ask the question: Would a loving God create a body that we had no control over?

If we are in a place of hiding because of shame or misunderstanding, and masturbation becomes a place we have no control over then, yes, it is something that is out of control and is master of us. Scripture says that that nothing is to be master over us and nothing is to become an idol before God.

I believe that there is a place for self-exploration that allows us to know our bodies, partner with our Creator and live out a healthy sexuality that honors how our bodies are made—and He who made them.

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